Carrot cake and grapefruit flavoured ice creme with sprinkles on top. This is how you make Renée smile and a wee bit excited…
Today I remembered something my doctor advised me many years ago when I told her I was turned down for a job that I was initially sought for. It was never a job I had expected to do but excited me nevertheless. She was the best doctor I ever had. We didn’t see each other often but she always remembered me and some of the issues I had faced in the past. She could see things for much bigger than I did at the time. Thinking about it she used to give a lot of life advice along the way. Like it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and you can’t expect to do either or so with a broken leg so just take it one step at a time. But on this occasion she spent the best part of this appointment telling me that No doesn’t always mean no. If you really want something you don’t accept a no. No doesn’t mean no. Simply no to no. I couldn’t even say anything that began with a but, because that would mean accepting no. Every now again I remember this conversation and I smile and appreciate this moment I had. That feeling of motivation and determination that she had and tried to convey to me somehow stuck with me to this day. Sadly a few years later I discovered my doctor moved away to another surgery and I never got to say thank you or good luck. But nevertheless this was one of my favourite doctors I ever had and I don’t know why of all days this crossed my mind. Perhaps the little inner bull doesn’t always accept no after all. But in a phase of feeling not my best self, perhaps it is my inner bull telling my whole self.. this is not acceptable and no. No no. We don’t accept defeat. Because that’s part of me of how I have felt.
All I could manage yesterday was a walk. A soothing walk nevertheless. This way I didn’t feel like a total slab kebab. My body saying no and my mind in total disagreement. But the body wins.
This week I have fought against the tidal wave of many different feelings and emotions and somehow my creative spark was ignited. I al holding on to the sparkly ideas.. I think it will form part of my next chapter: closure. In a physical sense, I have experienced closure in almost every aspect but in an emotional sense, less so. I need to truly let go, and in order to let go I need to lean in deeply to the very things I am holding onto and somehow process this and release this to the wider universe.
Views from the ground. Lying on a hammock. My new happy place. Added bonus of a very cuddly overweight cat.
You know what despite the result, I had such an amazing time today. It was great to be amongst people, singing songs, soaking up the atmosphere. How I missed singing Wonderwall with others. I am a huge football fan and I know what it feels like to lose finals, to lose important games and you support your team irrespective of results. So one of common quotes is just keep swimming, just keep swimming. The world cup is next year and I cannot wait.
I am dedicating my post today to my wonderful, cheeky but determined cat. For anyone who knows me, knows that I love my four legged fluffy monster more than anything in this world. Today we both received news that was better than I could have imagined. I know one day we will need to part ways and I know this will happen sooner rather than later but for now, he is being a brave little soldier and winning the battle of battles. I have so much gratitude and deep down I had put faith into the unknown and that positive things can and do happen. So here is to you Fluffy. Thank you for being part of my life and I know we both had a difficult year but I am so happy we can go through this together (or as far as it’s possible for a human and a pet to go through). I am looking forward to many many more cuddles and playtime.